Sometimes playing golf doesn't go the way you want it to, so having a few funny things to say to your playing partners can help ease the pain of a bad round.
One of the worst things you can do on the golf course is lose your cool and bring down the mood of the day. You should strive to be the guy that keeps up the spirits of his playing partners. That way people will always want to play with you!
In this article we have found some of the funniest, and most outrageous quotes, sayings, stories and one liners to keep you and your buddies entertained on the course. Read them, learn a few, and be ready for the next time you're out on the course.
Funny Golf Quotes: Amusing sayings for a round of golf
Sometimes it's hard to know when a funny saying will be needed on the golf course, but when you know, you know!
Have your wits about you and you'll be able to fill the air with some laughter.
Funny Golf Sayings: Writers And Golf
The golf swing is like a suitcase in which we are trying to pack one too many things. – John Updike, American Novelist
Golf is a game where you yell “Fore”, shoot six and write down five – Napolean Hill, American Author
The least things upset him on the links. That last missed short putt was because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadow. – PG Wodehouse, UK Author & Humourist
There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf. – Andrew Perry, Sportswriter
Funny Golf Sayings: By Professional Tour Golfers
They call it golf because the other four-letter words were taken. – Ray Floyd, PGA Hall of Fame
If you get caught on the course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, then hold up your one-iron; even god cannot hit a one-iron. – Lee Trevino
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husband's work. – Lee Trevino
On being asked before the final round what he needed to shoot to win the tournament – ‘the rest of the field. – Roger Maltbie, PGA Tour & TV Commentator
Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well. – Craig Stadler, PGA Tour, 1982 Masters Champion
Hockey is a sport for white men. Baseball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. – Tiger Woods
I'm working as hard I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything would be perfect. – Doug Sanders, PGA Tour
I have a tip that can take five shots off everyone's game. It's called an eraser. – Arnold Palmer, ‘The King'
If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. – Horace G. Hutchinson, 2-Time British Amateur Champion
Funny Golf Sayings: Famous people And Golf
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. – Jack Benny, American Comedian
Sex and golf are the only two things you can enjoy if you're not good at either. – Kevin Costner, Actor
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. – Dean Martin, Singer & Actor
Golf is a game whose aim is to get a very small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. – Winston Churchill, UK Politician & Author
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. – Lord Robertson of Port Ellen, UK Politician
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. – Jack Lemmon
I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk, and a moose. – Gerald Ford, US President
I'm getting better at golf now because I'm hitting fewer spectators. – Gerald Ford
I went to play golf to try and shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead. – Bob Hope
I don't care to join any club that's prepared to have me as a member. – Groucho Marx, American Comedian & Actor
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you cannot improve your lie. – George Deukmejian, Diplomat
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can't see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller – American Actress
Funny Golf Sayings: Caddies
Caddies are a breed of their own. If you shoot 66, they say Man we shot 66 today. But go out and shoot 77 and they say Hell, he shot 77. – Lee Trevino (PGA Hall of Fame Golfer)
Nobody but you and your caddy care what you do out there, and if your caddy is betting against you, he doesn't care either. Lee Trevino
Hell I'm going to make so much money this year, my caddy will make the top twenty money-winners list. – Lee Trevino
Make friends with your caddy and the game will make friends with you. – Stephen Potter, Golf Writer
The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club. – Seve Ballesteros (PGA Hall of Fame Golfer)
I know you can be fined for throwing a club, but I want to know if you can get fined for throwing a caddy. – Tommy Bolt, US Open Champion 1958
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the PGA Tour. Like the last time I asked my caddy for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. – Chi Chi Rodriquez, PGA Hall of Fame
I never had one thought all week. I figured my local caddy knew this course a whole lot better than me, so I just put my hand out and played whatever club he put in it. I'd say how hard do I hit it, he'd tell me and I'd swing. The guys who come down once a year and try to get smart with Mr. Jones' course are the dumb ones. – Fuzzy Zoeller (on his US Masters win at the first attempt)
A recent survey said that a caddy lives the longest of all jobs. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there ever is a medical emergency, there is always a doctor nearby. – Unknown
I was lying ten and had a thirty-five-foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder, how does this one break? My caddie says Who cares! – Jack Lemmon, Actor & Comedian
I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a bunker. For that, I have a caddy. – Bob Hope, Actor & Comedian
If your caddy coaches you on the tee, ‘Hit it down the left side with a little draw,‘ ignore him. All you do on the tee is try not to hit the caddy. – Jim Murray, American Sportswriter
Funny Golf Sayings: Who knows?
The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.
A gimme can be best defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well
Many golfers prefer a cart to a caddy because a cart can't count, criticize or laugh.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
A good golf partner is always slightly worse than you are – and that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always lies well.
Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
Golf is an easy game…It's just hard to play.
I wish I could play my normal game…just once.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is the beginning of the next group of three.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
Are we playing by men's rules today, or do we count every putt?!! (Lady golfer)
Funny Golf Sayings: Caddies bite back!
Memorable caddy responses to players' comments can only be rolled out with the right golfer – otherwise, the caddy/player relationship for the completion of any round may be in serious jeopardy! A good caddy knows when is the right time.
Occasionally, particularly amongst the older brethren of caddies with a brusque personality, they simply don't give a damn and will use these lines with no regard for the consequence – and this rare breed somehow seems to get away with it!
Like a music hits chart, I present the Top 10 tongue-in-cheek responses to golfer's comments:
Golfer: ‘My golf is awful, I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake' Caddy: ‘Think you can keep your head down this long?‘
Golfer: ‘I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course‘ Caddy: ‘Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth'
Golfer: ‘You think my game has improved since you saw me last?' Caddy: ‘Yes definitely – you miss the ball much closer now‘
Golfer: ‘Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?' Caddy: ‘Eventually‘
Golfer: ‘How do you like my game?' Caddy: ‘It's very good, but personally I prefer golf‘
Golfer: ‘Do you think it a sin to play golf on a Sunday?' Caddy: ‘The way you play, it's a sin to play on any day‘
Golfer: ‘This is the worst course I've ever played on' Caddy: ‘This isn't the course, we left that an hour ago!!‘
Golfer: ‘That can't be my ball, it's too old' Caddy: ‘It's been a long time since we teed off sir‘
Golfer: ‘Please stop checking your watch, it's very distracting' Caddy: ‘It's not a watch sir, it's a compass‘
Golfer: ‘You've got to be the worst caddy in the world' Caddy: ‘I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence‘
Funny Golf Sayings: Comments on Golf Shots
On The Tee
A Gerry Adams is the call when a golfer has to hit a second tee shot – ‘playing a provisional' relating to a former IRA Provisional leader.
An Elephants Ass is used when a tee shot goes far too high and not far forward – ‘it's high and it stinks‘.
For Lucky Shots
An O J Simpson, the call after a poor shot that works out – ‘got away with it‘.
The controversial Adolf Hitler saying is used after a fellow golfer takes two attempts to get out of a sand trap – ‘two shots in a bunker'.
On The Green
A Bon Jovi is a popular call when a player leaves a putt well short. This call is based on the song lyric from their most popular song, Living on a Prayer, ‘halfway there!'
A Mexican, when a putt comes up just short and sits in the jaws of the hole – ‘just one more revolution‘.
A Salman Rushdie the call for a tricky putt and based on the style of writing of this controversial author – ‘an impossible read‘.
A Maradona is when a golfer faces a tricky putt from about 5 feet. Named after the disgraced legendary and diminutive Argentine footballer – ‘a nasty little five-footer.